Telling your kids about separation: how to have the talk the right way

Telling children about a separation is one of the most sensitive and difficult tasks a parent will ever face. This conversation can shape how children cope with change, how they view family stability, and how they feel about both parents in the years ahead. At Fairway Divorce, thousands of families have been guided through this moment with care, compassion, and strategies that protect children’s emotional well-being while paving the way for a respectful parenting plan.

Why both parents should speak together

When possible, parents should talk to their children together. A united conversation reassures children that they are loved by both parents and not being abandoned. It also prevents children from feeling they must choose sides or blame one parent for the change.

A phrase such as, “We’ve made this decision together, and we’re both still your parents,” establishes stability and demonstrates commitment to co parenting. Our divorce coaching services, including the ALLY™ program, help parents prepare for this moment so they can enter the discussion calm, aligned, and confident.

For separated parents, presenting the decision as a team shows children that both remain fully involved. Recognizing the role of the child’s other parent sets the tone for a shared parenting approach, where children continue to feel supported by both homes.

Using age-appropriate language

Children interpret separation differently depending on age. Young children benefit from short, consistent messages that emphasize stability: “We’re going to live in different houses, but we both love you.” Keeping routines intact helps them feel secure.

Teenagers, however, may want more explanation, though they should not be burdened with adult issues like financial stress, spousal support disputes, or parenting issues between adults. The focus should remain on reassurance, respect, and structure.  Our mediators provide guidance to help parents craft  the right approach for each child’s developmental stage.

Words to avoid — and better options

The words parents choose during this conversation matter greatly. Certain phrases can increase fear or confusion, while others promote calmness and clarity.

• Instead of “Mommy is leaving,” try “We are going to live in different homes, but we’ll both always be here for you.”

• Instead of “Who do you want to live with?” say “We’ve made a plan that lets you spend time with both of us.”

• Instead of “Daddy doesn’t love Mommy anymore,” use “We don’t love each other in the way married people should, but we both love you.”

These kinds of positive parenting statements reassure children and avoid language that damages the co parenting relationship.

Reassurance should be repeated

Children need reassurance not just during the initial conversation but throughout the separation process. If parenting time is not yet finalized, parents can say: “We’re working with professionals to make sure you’ll spend time with both of us.”

Fairway mediators often recommend visual tools like calendars, which show children what to expect and provide comfort. Consistent routines, such as continuing a sports pick-up schedule, reinforce stability in the child’s life.

Balancing honesty without over-sharing

Children should be told the truth, but they do not need to know every detail. Statements such as “We tried very hard, but we’ve decided this is best for everyone,” protect them from unnecessary stress.

Parents sometimes struggle with where to draw the line, especially with older children who may ask difficult questions about finances, family law, or even the family court process. Fairway’s mediators can help parents determine how much to share while respecting the child’s needs.

Counseling and emotional support

Separation can bring feelings of sadness, guilt, or anxiety for children. Many families find counseling or coaching valuable during this time. Fairway’s SOLE™ coaching program provides individual emotional support for parents, helping them stay focused on their children’s needs while managing their own emotions.

Some families also explore parallel parenting, particularly when conflicted co parenting makes communication difficult. In these situations, parenting arrangements are designed to reduce contact while still ensuring cooperative co parenting work happens in the background to protect the child’s life and development.

In more complex cases, a parenting coordinator may be recommended to help manage disputes and support healthier co parenting fosters between divorced parents.

Building and following a separation agreement

The initial talk is only the beginning. Children thrive when they have structure and predictability. Developing a clear separation agreement with a co parenting plan is one of the best ways to reduce uncertainty and conflict.

At Fairway, mediators work with both parents to create a complete, legally sound separation agreement that defines parenting time, decision-making responsibilities, and financial considerations such as child support and spousal support. By avoiding adversarial family court battles, families can save time, money, and stress.

Family mediation through Fairway allows separated parents to reach agreements that comply with the Family Law Act and federal child support guidelines, while keeping the process focused on the child’s best interest.

The role of collaborative divorce and family law

Many couples assume that family law always requires hiring separate lawyers and entering family court. In reality, collaborative divorce and mediation are alternatives that allow families to create binding parenting agreements without litigation.

Fairway’s approach emphasizes cooperation, ensuring children’s needs come first and reducing the risk of long-term damage from conflict.

Co parenting tips for long-term stability

• Use a co parenting app to manage schedules and reduce misunderstandings.

• Communicate respectfully with the child’s other parent, even if the co-parenting relationship is strained.

• Agree on a parenting style that keeps rules consistent between homes.

• Maintain a healthy co parenting relationship by focusing on the child’s needs, not adult disagreements.

These practical steps help divorced parents and single parents alike provide stability and create a healthy relationship for their children.

Separation doesn’t have to define the child

It is not the separation itself that harms children most, but rather how parents manage the process. A respectful co parenting arrangement, clear communication, and consistency can preserve a child’s sense of safety and belonging.

Fairway Divorce Solutions helps families handle separation in a way that protects children, preserves financial stability, and avoids the pain of litigation. With compassionate guidance and proven methods, parents can navigate this transition with dignity and hope.

Frequently asked questions

When should we tell our kids about the separation?

Once you have made a final decision and can present a unified message. Avoid times of high conflict or uncertainty.

What if we can’t agree on what to say?

Fairway mediators offer family mediation, coaching, and preparation sessions to help parents align on their message.

Can the parenting plan be part of the talk?

Yes, if finalized. Sharing a co parenting plan or parenting agreement can provide reassurance. If not, explain that one is being created with professional support.

Should we involve a counselor?

Many families benefit from counseling. Fairway Divorce can connect you with professionals such as parenting coordinators or family members who support children’s needs.

How do I know if my child is coping?

Look for signs such as withdrawal, aggression, or unusual anxiety. Maintain open dialogue and seek professional help if concerns persist. The focus should always remain on the child’s best interest.